Wednesday, April 25, 2007 @ 8:29 AM

Forced smile wearing thin...

staring into the bright and once dark sky...
i guess its like...
i dont know...
ah nevermind...

i have been wondering..
are you the one stopping me from going to the other side of the light?
why?
why stop me?
are you afraid that i will forget about you once i go over?
or are you worried that i will harm myself in any way?
but dont forget...
i promised...
that i will never do such things...
i have my scars already...
i think sam knows where they are...
i know that you know where they are too..
i can remember the pain i saw in your face when you saw them...
i am sorry..
sorry for leting you see such things that caused you to feel as such...
sorry for making you cry then...
all i wanted is for you to be happy...
smiling as sweet as the sakura flowers...
but now...
i dont think i can see that anymore...

recently..
i have just realised...
i have been acting like an idiot in front of everyone...
making nonsensical comments and actions...
that i suppose...
causes everyone to feel weird about me i suppose...
tell me you guys...
tell me that i am weird...
tell me that i should just keep to myself...
tell me to shut up....
i feel even worse if you guys just keep quiet...
this forced smile of mine is wearing thin....
for a long time...
i guess i have forgotten how to cry...
forgotten how to express my sadness...
forgotten how to talk to someone about my problems...
all i know...
is how to avoid them...
so that no one will ever detect this weakness in me...
i rather show concern to others...
then to let others worry about me...
i guess its this independent spirit in me...
i guess its because of this lack of love i receive...
causing me to develop some loner-type personality...
so i wish that you guys just tell me what i have gone wrong...
just tell me straight to the face...
i can take it..
seriously..
or maybe not...
but i guess it takes time...
i wished for a happy poly life...
but i guess....
its not coming true...

How I wish to see you smile once again, Sakura...
Leon

Shiki